The Appointment Part II

At a very  young age, I was exploring feelings that I fully didn't understood. I remember the good old days of AOL with a dial up modem. It was the time to be alive. To be able to have so much information on a click of a mouse was unheard of. Nowadays, we take it for granted as humanity just feels like it's heading backwards instead of forward. Have you ever seen those kids that are just glued to their phones nonstop? I have to admit I can be on my phone but I am already fully developed, these kids need to experience something more than a cell phone screen. Either way, finding information on the young internet was very rough but I was eventually successful. 
I used to be into Hentai a lot, it was just something that really turned me on. I would look at it nowadays but it's just not the same feeling. I will never forget this website called Anime Un-cut which was named that way for obvious reasons. I was just happy looking at photos, but sometimes there would be video downloads. The videos were very short, but the download would take forever and you know how it was for dial up, things would take so long to download. I remember downloading Duke Nukem 3D for the PC, the shareware version. The game literally took five hours to download! I remember it came cut into five parts in order to store it on a floppy disk. It was brutal! I also did get a phone call in the middle of a download so guess what? You would have to start over from the beginning. Those were the day...
So one night, my twelve year old self was on the computer, just browsing my usual sites. I got into Anime Un-cut and found a video download! It would definitely take a while but my night had just started and we barely got any calls at night so I figure I would try my luck. This was all done through the AOL program using their browser. I still remember the good old 'Welcome, You got mail!' sounds which I still keep on my I-phone nowadays. The video started but you could see a preview of it when clicking the link. You photo was of this girl on top of another girl. Now, my attention really rose to the max! What is this all about? I thought. I started to not use the internet in order for the download to finish faster. I even went to play some DOS games in order to kill some time. The download was nearing its end...it finished...and then I clicked play....

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Hello

Hello, it's been quite a bit of time since we last talked. I was hoping I could talk to you face to face but this will have to do. I am writing this letter because I wanted to clear some things out. What happened two weeks ago was not meant to happen and I hope you don't think any different of me. I do care about other beings but sometimes, one can get lost in the moment. I did not meant it, I do feel a bit of shame, well a lot of shame about it. I know you have been avoiding me, but just know that I wouldn't be avoiding you, after all, I want to clear things out. 
Where can I start? What can I do? I need to know where we stand, I need to know if my efforts and explanations will be heard, if not, am I just wasting my energy? I hope not. I just want you to know that you are someone fun to be around with and are very smart. What else can someone ask for? It's a little weird that I can't say these things face to face, this will do. 
I am always amazed by the things you do, the words you say, you are always forcing me to figure out what is going on in that mind of yours. Never change, got it? 
Can we go out for tea? Maybe coffee? 

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Life Lessons

Life can sure take a big turn when you least expect it. For the ones that suffer and think there is no way out, there is. You just must keep pushing. I have friends that have come to me with no willingness to live, but they held on. Things do turn around, believe it or not. Hope is the last thing that you have been holding on, but you must be able to also push yourself out of the hole you are in. Every day, we are challenged, every day we won’t know if we’ll get home. You need to cherish it. The pain one goes through always must have a reason, maybe it’s your cross to carry, or maybe you are carrying someone else’s pain and sacrificing your own. The entirety of it is that you analyze what’s going on and decide your next move. There is always an answer as hopeless and painful as it has been. It wouldn’t be life if it weren’t like this. We are here to learn a lesson, two lessons, multiple lessons, that’s just how life is.

 

                I guess what my point is that you are capable, you are willing, you can get out of whatever hole you are in. It may not be as fast as you hoped for or as delightful you might imagine but never forget that there is always a way.

 

                I am writing this mainly because of people around me that have been going through hard times including myself, and just typing this out here does help me and hopefully it’ll help others. Do you feel hopeless? Don’t worry, you aren’t alone, just endure it and we will see things through. Just hope… and push… 

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Kitten

How can someone that gives you so much joy totally devastates you in a blink of an eye?

How can you move on feeling guilty of the loss of a loved one? I can’t begin to understand or accept the fact that you are not here anymore. I can’t believe I let you down, I let everyone down. I am so heart broken even though I only knew you for four days, I feel like I can’t think straight, things keep reminiscing in my head, I still hear your cry, I can’t believe you are gone. I am so sorry I let you down, you were my everything Bean even though we only knew each other for such a short time. I am so sorry, I can’t forgive myself for what happened to you. You were supposed to get better; you were supposed to be here and be mine to keep company to Mouser. You are gone and I can’t believe it; I can’t believe the pain I feel and the guilt that still comes with it. I tried everything I could to help you, and it still wasn’t enough. Wasn’t meant to be maybe? I am so heartbroken. I can’t even imagine this would happen. I am so sorry, I am sorry, I failed you. This is one of the hardest moments I had in my life and it’s so crazy to say that because I knew you for such a short time. It’s like torture. Is this what hell is like? I can’t believe it. I will never forget you. I will forever have a space for you in my heart. I still can’t believe you are gone; I just can’t process it and maybe that’s my punishment for not doing enough. You were more than enough; I will always love you my little Bean….

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The Perfect Saturday

Whenever I meditate, I always think of that perfect Saturday when I was a kid and everything felt like the time stood still. It was just perfect, everything was peaceful and I will never ever forget that feeling. It always helps me calm down, it always releases a good peaceful feeling of what it was to feel together and in peace. What is the perfect Saturday for me? Let me explain.

 

The perfect Saturday is that moment where you just see everyone around you at peace. There are no fights, arguments, or screaming. Everyone is just enjoying the moment, and I think that’s what the whole point of this is. My perfect Saturday takes me back to when I was around six or seven years old (no pun intended). It’s a lazy Saturday at our house where everyone is at home doing their own thing. I can start on the first floor where I see my father watching tv but guess what? He’s asleep holding the newspaper, how peace is that? Very peaceful indeed. Then if I look over, I see my mother organizing the kitchen just seeing her enjoying putting her kitchen together and plates away. There are no words, just enjoyment. The tv is on but at a volume that completely blends into the peacefulness of the household.

 

I then find my way upstairs where my siblings are. I have three sisters and one brother. The first room to the right is my parents’ room, nothing to see here. On the left though, are my sister’s room (two of them) and as I look in there you can see one just playing with her barbie dolls while the other one is reading a book, simple yet peaceful and beautiful. There are no words, just enjoying the moment. My other sister is in her own room, yes, she was the rebel that wants her own room and she’s also just enjoying the moment, what is she doing? Just drawing but sometimes she would be moving things around as she always wanted to change things around. No words, just peacefulness. Finally, my brother’s room which is also mine, is on the far left and I could peek in to see him organizing his toys. We had ninja turtles and G.I.joes and would destroy them to pieces, yes, we were destructive. You can see him trying to put together the head of one G.I.Joe with the body of another. We had to make them last after all! Nothing but bliss.

 

The feeling of the perfect moment, the perfect Saturday, your inner peace is that moment where you can just see everyone around you reflecting on that peaceful feeling towards you. It’s all about being in a good environment which is why I always use this moment to help me calm down during meditation or whenever I feel like I’m losing my grip. So what is your perfect Saturday? 

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Update on Life, Coming Works!

Hey my beautiful people! I have been gone for over a month and that's mainly because a lot has happened. I was in the middle of a move and some life changes. I am finally able to finally settle down and have my life under control again. It's been a change alright, but on the bright side, I have new ideas on new writings! I will be working on them more and more and release them so we can get back to normal. You can also check out my other pages as some of them are still getting updated but will also come back to date with new stuff. Lets get back to work! 

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Freedom

There were times when I always felt caged up, as a matter of fact, it was a lot of my life that I had never been able to express myself. Constricted, I found other ways to endure such suppression. I guess I was just feeling like I would never be accepted, and I was right. One has to believe in themselves, always in themselves, as believe it or not, that’s the only way one can move forward in life. I felt suppressed by family, friends, and even my job. What kind of life are you living if you can’t be yourself? What will you think of yourself at the end of the day? At the end of your life?

 

I was born a man, always pushed to be a man and what I am supposed to do. In my head, I thought that was my role, that I didn’t have a choice. As I grew up, I always thought differently and never fit in into other crowds. It all makes sense now. I thought there was something wrong with me, but it turned out that I was just built differently. It’s kind of crazy to think how it all finally makes sense all these years later. It was a fun venture to put all the pieces together of this crazy puzzle that was inside my head and come up with the answer. I will not be accepted by many, I already lost so much from people around me, but you must be who you truly are, there is no way around it. You need to live.

 

The whole point of this mini expression of my true self is my proclaim of freedom. I feel like I can finally start living the way I truly am meant to live. I am being my true self and even if that means I’ll be alone, I rather have that than to be miserable. Like really, what kind of life is that? There is no fulfillment and that’s exactly what I talked to my therapist for years until it all finally made sense. I wouldn’t change it for anything, yes, my journey is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it wouldn’t be life if you weren’t suffering, wouldn’t it?

 

Just be who you are and fuck everyone else! I am done with it! I am Ada!

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