Kitten

How can someone that gives you so much joy totally devastates you in a blink of an eye?

How can you move on feeling guilty of the loss of a loved one? I can’t begin to understand or accept the fact that you are not here anymore. I can’t believe I let you down, I let everyone down. I am so heart broken even though I only knew you for four days, I feel like I can’t think straight, things keep reminiscing in my head, I still hear your cry, I can’t believe you are gone. I am so sorry I let you down, you were my everything Bean even though we only knew each other for such a short time. I am so sorry, I can’t forgive myself for what happened to you. You were supposed to get better; you were supposed to be here and be mine to keep company to Mouser. You are gone and I can’t believe it; I can’t believe the pain I feel and the guilt that still comes with it. I tried everything I could to help you, and it still wasn’t enough. Wasn’t meant to be maybe? I am so heartbroken. I can’t even imagine this would happen. I am so sorry, I am sorry, I failed you. This is one of the hardest moments I had in my life and it’s so crazy to say that because I knew you for such a short time. It’s like torture. Is this what hell is like? I can’t believe it. I will never forget you. I will forever have a space for you in my heart. I still can’t believe you are gone; I just can’t process it and maybe that’s my punishment for not doing enough. You were more than enough; I will always love you my little Bean….

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The Perfect Saturday

Whenever I meditate, I always think of that perfect Saturday when I was a kid and everything felt like the time stood still. It was just perfect, everything was peaceful and I will never ever forget that feeling. It always helps me calm down, it always releases a good peaceful feeling of what it was to feel together and in peace. What is the perfect Saturday for me? Let me explain.

 

The perfect Saturday is that moment where you just see everyone around you at peace. There are no fights, arguments, or screaming. Everyone is just enjoying the moment, and I think that’s what the whole point of this is. My perfect Saturday takes me back to when I was around six or seven years old (no pun intended). It’s a lazy Saturday at our house where everyone is at home doing their own thing. I can start on the first floor where I see my father watching tv but guess what? He’s asleep holding the newspaper, how peace is that? Very peaceful indeed. Then if I look over, I see my mother organizing the kitchen just seeing her enjoying putting her kitchen together and plates away. There are no words, just enjoyment. The tv is on but at a volume that completely blends into the peacefulness of the household.

 

I then find my way upstairs where my siblings are. I have three sisters and one brother. The first room to the right is my parents’ room, nothing to see here. On the left though, are my sister’s room (two of them) and as I look in there you can see one just playing with her barbie dolls while the other one is reading a book, simple yet peaceful and beautiful. There are no words, just enjoying the moment. My other sister is in her own room, yes, she was the rebel that wants her own room and she’s also just enjoying the moment, what is she doing? Just drawing but sometimes she would be moving things around as she always wanted to change things around. No words, just peacefulness. Finally, my brother’s room which is also mine, is on the far left and I could peek in to see him organizing his toys. We had ninja turtles and G.I.joes and would destroy them to pieces, yes, we were destructive. You can see him trying to put together the head of one G.I.Joe with the body of another. We had to make them last after all! Nothing but bliss.

 

The feeling of the perfect moment, the perfect Saturday, your inner peace is that moment where you can just see everyone around you reflecting on that peaceful feeling towards you. It’s all about being in a good environment which is why I always use this moment to help me calm down during meditation or whenever I feel like I’m losing my grip. So what is your perfect Saturday? 

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Update on Life, Coming Works!

Hey my beautiful people! I have been gone for over a month and that's mainly because a lot has happened. I was in the middle of a move and some life changes. I am finally able to finally settle down and have my life under control again. It's been a change alright, but on the bright side, I have new ideas on new writings! I will be working on them more and more and release them so we can get back to normal. You can also check out my other pages as some of them are still getting updated but will also come back to date with new stuff. Lets get back to work! 

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Freedom

There were times when I always felt caged up, as a matter of fact, it was a lot of my life that I had never been able to express myself. Constricted, I found other ways to endure such suppression. I guess I was just feeling like I would never be accepted, and I was right. One has to believe in themselves, always in themselves, as believe it or not, that’s the only way one can move forward in life. I felt suppressed by family, friends, and even my job. What kind of life are you living if you can’t be yourself? What will you think of yourself at the end of the day? At the end of your life?

 

I was born a man, always pushed to be a man and what I am supposed to do. In my head, I thought that was my role, that I didn’t have a choice. As I grew up, I always thought differently and never fit in into other crowds. It all makes sense now. I thought there was something wrong with me, but it turned out that I was just built differently. It’s kind of crazy to think how it all finally makes sense all these years later. It was a fun venture to put all the pieces together of this crazy puzzle that was inside my head and come up with the answer. I will not be accepted by many, I already lost so much from people around me, but you must be who you truly are, there is no way around it. You need to live.

 

The whole point of this mini expression of my true self is my proclaim of freedom. I feel like I can finally start living the way I truly am meant to live. I am being my true self and even if that means I’ll be alone, I rather have that than to be miserable. Like really, what kind of life is that? There is no fulfillment and that’s exactly what I talked to my therapist for years until it all finally made sense. I wouldn’t change it for anything, yes, my journey is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it wouldn’t be life if you weren’t suffering, wouldn’t it?

 

Just be who you are and fuck everyone else! I am done with it! I am Ada!

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Estrogen

The day has finally arrived, everything has come to this

After so much pain, struggles, but victory, it’s here

The way I will change, the way I’ll never be the old me

Excitement overflow, everything will be alright

The day has finally arrived, am I finally me?

 

Fear comes to mind, this is the right option

Fear takes over, I can’t put myself through this

Fear is leaving my body, this is right

This is what I’ve been missing, this is what I must do

Fear is nothing, defeat it now, become yours truly

The day has finally arrived, putting fear aside

 

The needle looks scary, it needs to go in

The dosage looks amazing; this is what’s missing of me

I finally stuck it in, fear still pondering around

The liquid starts gushing in, I’m finally feeling it

The final drop is in, what’s next? What now?

The day has finally arrived; It’s in me now

 

Feeling euphoric, what was missing is in me

Feeling that it’s right, pure bliss and happiness

The road has finally started, let’s keep doing great things

Let’s live life as my true self, let’s go!

Estrogen is in me; I am finally the true me

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The Appointment Part I

The time was now; I just couldn’t wait any longer. Already being neglected by everyone around me, I rushed into the appointment which I eagerly waited for a long month. What was this you may wonder? It’s an appointment that will change the course of my life but let’s start from the beginning.

 

                Always feeling like I didn’t belong, I grew up in a very confusing time. Not being allowed to express myself, not being able to scream who I really was inside, everything was suppressed like time staying still. As a kid, I always had curiosity and attraction to certain things. I did not understand it, and I didn’t have anyone to ask as I was too afraid to speak. Once again, I’m suppressed for years on. Living in a household where you are shut down expressing your upmost feelings was rough, I always had to be behind the lines seeing others enjoy the things I wanted to enjoy and being forced into the role that I was supposed to be due to what is considered normal back then. Now that I think about it, being forced into something you don’t want to is anything but normal, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one feeling that one. I wanted to dress a certain way, I wanted to speak a certain tone, I wanted to be with a certain group, all of these were neglected, ignored, suppressed.

 

One day, a wonderful thing called the internet entered my home. I had a whole cyber world into my fingertips and a way to explore who I really was. I had to let out of these suppressed feelings something. Sadly, I couldn’t really had the privacy to explore such things so I left it as is and followed the role I was supposed to follow. Now that I think about it, it all makes sense. All the dots connect once I reminiscence about my past. I was able to hide a folder with my most hidden secrets and thoughts. It was all able to fit on a floppy disk and I’m so glad my family didn’t even bother to check those.

 

                The adventure is just beginning as I have so much more to talk about my suppressed feelings and the way they finally were able to be freed to find my true self.  

                                                                                                                                To be continued…

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Changes

I woke up one day, a new me, a true me

After going back and forward, I kept pushing, I kept fighting

My mind is wondering, thinking and pondering

Accepting one’s true self, it’s something very important

Evolving, accepting, enjoying, and laughing, it’s sublime

I woke up one day, a new me, the true me

 

I wonder what it took, speaking and digging one’s true self

You want to accept what you hide, you think of what is right

We need to live in reality, we can’t be scared, we must accept

With criticism, with my own mind, I’m open, I’m not afraid

This is my journey, I will move forward, don’t even look back

I woke up one day, a new me, the true coming

 

I am finally free! I am here to stay

I am in the wrong body, in the wrong place

I must escape and must admit who I really am

Fight for that, fight for the true me, that’s life, the experience it is

With so many obstacles to come, I better be ready

The hardest part of my life is about to begin

To survive, to fight one, to life experience

I will be me, no one gets a say

I woke up one day, a new me, I am true

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